Holy Spirit and Solace through the Sentencing (month 3)

“If the Lord had not been my help, my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence.” – Psalm 94:17 

I read the sentencing paperwork for a case that had been open for 20 years and was suddenly face to face with the depth of the reality of this chapter of my life. For years I thought I already had faced it all, yet I was learning that there was still so much that had been pushed down. The Lord never forsakes His people. Justice and vengeance are His. I knew these things but I never thought that I would be confronted with them and be walked through such reconciliation.

As hard as this month was, the Lord’s timing is so perfect. Like I mentioned in my last blog, the Lord was working on me in the prior month in the ways of trust and dependency, waiting on Him because He is faithful, and walking in freedom filled with His mercy and grace. All those things carried me through Costa Rica. Thank you, God!

“When my spirit faints within me, you know my way!” – Psalm 142:3 

We spent the month doing evangelism, home visits, VBS for the little kiddos, preaching and putting on youth programs. The days were sometimes long, we had days that were packed full of ministry and some that were slower but even in slow days, we got to spend so much time getting to know the locals and the community welcomed us in so warmly. We saw the Lord move so powerfully. The thing that impacted me the most though was the home visits. We did not have a translator and although we have had 3 months in Central America and you think we’d be fluent, we are not, yet :)… that contributed to the impact though. We could have used that as an excuse to be disengaged but we leaned in, practiced more, and contributed with what we had and many times that was prayer. I have never prayed so much in the Spirit than in this month and I have never felt so connected to people, their struggles, and the Holy Spirit at work than this month. 

It took a series of breaking things down within me but I’m starting to understand it all. The Lord didn’t want to just break down the physical things like I mentioned in my last blog, he also wanted to break down my spirit which allowed the Holy Spirit to be more at work in me. He breaks down, so lovingly, what we think holds us up and He get to the real thing that holds us up, which is Jesus. The Lord has been breaking me down since day 1 of this race, teaching me how to really die to myself and let me tell you, the more you walk in obedience to that, the more He will break it off and the process can be hard but it is SO worth it. I think we go through this process because the Lord wants us to live out John 5:30 – we can do nothing on our own, it is never our strength that does anything. It is never our words, our actions, our best efforts that change people’s hearts. It’s Jesus. It’s always Jesus. It’s His Spirit that lives in us and guides us into transformation. I saw this first hand this month in so many ways. In my own life and in the life of so many others as we sat with them, prayed with them, shared Jesus with them. 

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” – Psalm 147:3

He took me out of a land of silence and has healed so much. I have received such solace in such a pivotal time in my life. Many do know my full testimony and many don’t and I feel more and more convicted and compelled to share that with others. Because out of this testimony He is doing a new thing, He has redeemed so much and He is going to get all the glory for it. And I am grateful for the ways that He has broken down so much in me because it was all coping mechanisms and loose sand anyways. I can say for this month, I have walked out of the fire not completely charred but refined and ready to see the Spirit of the Lord move in more big ways!